Today the wonder that is ND LABS! has
unleashed the designs for a new device on its ever unwitting public!
Yes, today, ND Labs, the only lab with the amount of toxic chemicals,
random machines and liquid capital to possibly spend time on these
ideas, and with a devastating supply of airborne STD-Plague bombs to
fell anyone who says otherwise. I mean, ND labs is your friend! We want
to look out for you...and that's what this project is all
We've noticed, in our many trips to the local supermarkets in search of hookers, i mean baseball bats to put in the hookers, i mean...pears. yes, pears. Anyways, so in our many searches for the rare Norwegian pears of north-west Canada, we've noticed that shoppers in the produce area aren't the sharpest bunch of closets in the shed. In fact, we'd go as far to say that many of them, particularly the horrid old people, are quite assuredly a few hand-grenades short of brick wall. Many a time, we've stood, lamenting the bizzarity of the starfruit, only to watch someone stare at price sign and then interrupt the poor dumb bastard attempting to work there to inquire as to the price of the items. Other favorites include a horrid old person ranting to no one in particular, but quite possibly the clerk who left 30 seconds ago, that the fruit at the farm stand is better. Or the always infamously laughable occasions where one of these mongaloids will claim something clearly marked as being one vegetable is not and its actually something else, marked up for higher profit.
Oft times, we've wondered if all this philandering in the produce-department was really necessary. So now with ND Labs open, we've decided to do something about it.
Yes, thats right, ND labs, using top-secret stolen technology and a lack of crude wiccan technology, has devised a new line of produce implants that chemically react to stupidity!
ND 'Acid' Apple. Emits beads of 'sweat' when approached by idiots. Stem is sensory organ for changes in air current [air currents carry the scent of the moronotron]. 'Sweat' is fluid filled with saprozoic microorganisms [it feeds on flesh], with a special additive for faster penetration to the bloodstream. Also contains anti-bloodclotting seeds for higher kill rate.
ND Suicide Banana. Attacks with stabbing motion when it senses citizen of moronica's presence. Genetically sharpened. Will stab until self is reduced to mush and automatically calls upon others of its bunch for backup.
ND Super-seeded watermelon. Fires multitudes of seeds out of hidden pores on the surface, pelting mongaloids incessantly until they go away. Includes a 'leverage generator' which shifts the water content in order to cause melon to roll and give chase to fleeing idiots. Also capable of dropping self on cranium or at least toes of victim with this feature. Currently in testing for various salubrious additives to the seeds and a more accurate targeting system. A proposed communication system so that multitudes of melons could stampede is in the works as well...
More to come once we steal stuff from market basket again.
HA HA! we have visited the mighty bitch that is market basket yet again and carried away a bounty of stolen produce to the lab. While there certain members of the staff went as far to happily decorate DEATH TRUCK, the personal vehicle of baron bastardo, in bright pink stylings. It was a most egregious time. Hop hop hop, boner boner boner.
On with the new designs...
ND Labs Assault Grapes
Sense the nearing of
idiots thru stems, which then sends an influx of enzyme fluid into all
grapes. The grapes naturally present 'assault instincts' are then
activated, which is a ND labs exclusive discovery and feature.
Absolutely no enhancement to the grape dna chain is done at all, grapes
are natural born killers.
ND Labs Chomping Cantaloupe
This is one of our most unique products to date at the labs. We have made changes on a genetic level to enable the normally doting cantaloupe to gain a psychopathic edge against the idiot-breed. When a solid case for catapult ammunition passes by the oft-forgotten cantaloupe, it silently activates and starts after the moronotron much like the amazing metal ball from the 1979 hit film, Phantasm. As the cantaloupe traverses the distance in approach of the idiot-beast, microscopic seams genetically etched in the surface break and sliver of the melon falls silently to the ground as the juices contract and the seeds left are pushed to the edge to make many overlapping lines of 'teeth'. The fruit uses its rind in new ways as the fluids, now laced with biochemical's, loosen the surfaces rigidity so that it may close upon the morons body. Once in contact it will bite repeatedly, secreting as much biochemical as possible into the wounds generated by its seedling-teeth. If all its seeds are displaced the melon proceeds to attempt to bludgeon the user to death. For those of you wondering if the fallen piece was wasted, it is not. It becomes a mobile fire base that launches through contraction its volume of seeds upon its target. It even can use the seeds as messenger pods to call on other cantaloupes for back up. The swarm/stampede module is coming to be a staple of our melon-assault technologies. Look for it in a grocer near you!
ND Labs Slice 'n Dice 'n Peach
Here at ND labs, we believe in high quality fructose. But that has nothing to do with our next product, no matter how sweet it is. That's right, ever heard that evil sometimes wears a pleasant face? [note to founder: picture women] Our modified peach is a perfect example. The tiny hairs on the surface of a common peach have been modified from a soft fuzziness to razor sharp spikes. In the early stages, these merely cause cuts and abrasions on those stupid enough to touch them. For those truly special among us, they leave severe lesions and cause profuse bleeding of the mouth and throat. Did you know that your mouth has one of the largest concentrations of veins and capillaries in your body? We didnt until we field tested this baby, and ooh! let me tell you, they needed to ALOT of sawdust to clean up after us. In the works on this product is a later stage where a mini buzz saw fueled by a organic motor contained in the 'pit' will come out on contact with moron flesh and wreak havoc. HAVOC I TELL YOU!!!
ND labs Pineapple
Thought we were done? HA HA! No such luck for you, buster! Thats right, here is a sneak peak at our new divergence in this same project!
Our new secret weapon?
That's right! Plants!
Stay tuned for more insight into our exciting plans for this promising product line! [founder: a new product line???! (he runs and slides on his socks into the room, only, to trip and crash to the floor with a BAM!) alright! who put these god-damn plants here?! (he looks around) AIEE! THERE EVERYWHERE! A WHOLE PLANT DIVISION!! (he runs and is heard tripping many times. thank you.)]
What will ND LABS come up with next??!